Random Ramblings of a Woman

Freedom

I want and crave it so much. I am learning to give it to myself. Freedom from expectations. Freedom from should have’s and could have’s. I want freedom from the ties that bind me to unhealthy relationships. I want freedom from the ties of traditional thinking. I want freedom from the way it has always been. I want freedom to dream new ways of being and for new ways for everything to be. The freedom to be imperfect and the freedom to learn as I go. I want and need the freedom to be any size, shape, and condition I need to be at the moment in my body and my mind. I need to be able to be all of me. Even the parts that people don’t like, I won’t hide them anymore. I want to say my favorite color is black and not purple and that doesn’t make me a vampire or emo or dark. I just love black. It is the most beautiful. I taught my youngest daughter that it was okay to declare that but didn’t allow myself to declare it-until now. I want to be an imperfect parent and be allowed grace for that. I want the freedom to not be perfect sometimes. I want to skip a meeting, be late on a deadline, and not kill myself trying to look like I always have it together. FREEDOM. I want to change my mind. I want to not wear makeup. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to be out adventuring and exploring even though it can get scary. I want to throw my heart into the arena even though so many will step on it and not see its goodness. And then I want to cry about that and still know that I am strong. I want to be a weirdo. I am a weirdo. I like most weirdos as long as they are not hurtful.

Fat

I just want to let myself be fat for now. I want to be completely unbothered by it. I want to acknowledge that the only part of me that cares is the part of me that wants you to think I look good or attractive or healthy. I do not feel unhealthy. I could maybe be a little bit more active as in strength training and endurance but as far as being active, I am. I go hiking. I go swimming. I go bike riding. I play sports with my kids. I cook, clean, work, dance, and am able to do anything I want to do. My body is thriving. I do not have high blood pressure, diabetes, pain, or anything that tells me I need to change my body, except a number on a scale and a chart called a BMI. I don’t smoke, drink, or overconsume caffeine. I eat balanced meals and I don’t restrict my choices. I like chocolate but I don’t eat it for lunch. I like fast food but only for those days when we need food fast. I am a good cook and I eat my vegetables (most of them). I love fruit and I love salad. I am relatively strong and I move a lot. Can we just stop telling people that skinny is healthy? I know some skinny people that are living on a fifth of vodka, oreos, and cheetos. They have high blood pressure, no endurance and rotting teeth. If you put the two of us side by side and asked the public who was healthier, most would pick the skinny person. Skinny equals healthy right? Enough about that. I love myself and I feel pretty good. I’ll loose weight if I want to but this weight has come for a reason. Stress, hormone and bodily changes, trauma response, and actually listening to and feeding my body. I used to eat a snickers and drink a mountain dew for lunch after I smoked a cigarette or two. Now I eat a salad and drink water. I weigh more now because I actually feed myself three meals a day.

Mouthy and Bossy

I’m tired of being quiet and suffering in silence. I’m getting mouthy and bossy in my old age and I love it. I have a long way to go because I have been trained so well to be nice and quiet. I am starting to speak up, to question, and to let people just deal with it. I don’t want to hide my real feelings just to spare yours. I am done with that. Glennon Doyle writes in “Untamed” that she will disappoint everyone one else before she ever disappoints herself again. I have taken it as my goal. Me over you. Not that I don’t love you and care what you have to say, but if I need to disappoint myself and dishonor myself for you to be happy or accepting of me, I don’t need you. If you would have me do that to myself, you do not honor and love me either. So we might get into it once in a while. I might stand up for myself and say things that you don’t want to hear. I won’t tolerate people that prefer me to be small and quiet and not have an opinion. I want to be the boss of my life and I want to say what I want to say, how I want to say it. I’m not mean, but I will say what I mean. I think that eventually, people will feel safe around me because I will be direct and they won’t need to wonder where they stand.

Energy

I have really been trying to pay attention to who and what I give my energy to. I find that some people and some things are really worth the energy expelled because they give it right back. Most of the time I feel this way about my children, my pets, and my close friends. I am always looking for people who can match my energy. Not that we always need to match energy, but that we balance out in the energy exchange. There is give and take but I never feel like you are sucking the life out of me. I am so tired of energy drainers. Those people and things that attach themselves to your energy flow and take it for themselves. For these people and things, there is never enough. They will take and take, living off of you like a parasite and they will not notice or care that you are getting weaker. They are here for themselves. You feel good to them and they are not worried about how you feel. I took so long to learn this about people and things. I thought all interactions were give and take, and that if you gave enough, it would soon be your turn to take. It has been a hard lesson to have given and given and then when it was time for me to withdraw, the account was empty and there was nothing there for me to have. Work can be this way if I am not careful with my giving. Friendships can be this way if I am not careful with my choices of who I spend my time with. Family can be this way if you do not have boundaries and agreements. I get so confused sometimes when I’m bursting with energy and there seems to be so many around that want to be with me and around me but when I need a refuel or a kind word, or a bit of attention the rooms are empty, the texts are unread or not responded to or the plans are canceled. I used to blame myself for being needy. Now I know that I just mistook energy attachers for real connection and relationship. I mistook fair weather friends for ride or die friends. I mistook attention and excitement for care and concern. It’s okay. Some lessons can only be learned through repeated experience. The lesson I’ve taken from all of this is to protect my energy. I need to watch and wait for people to show how they will show up for me in life. Will they be in that room when it is darkness instead of sunshine? Will they think of me when I can’t be who they were hoping I would be? Will they provide the energy sometimes when I need a rest or do they just show up when I have it to give?

Thanks for letting me ramble. I had a lot going on upstairs this morning and I’m glad to have a space to think it out through writing. Life is so wild. I never could have planned for any of this but I love it so. Love to all of you, especially me ;)

Is This My Hallmark Movie?

Why reality is so much better than the fantasy.

This can be a time of year when I find myself comparing, judging, berating, questioning, and longing, mostly to myself about myself. I didn’t start my shopping early enough. I forgot to go buy an ugly Christmas sweater that fits me (I grew out of last years-another reason for despair). I didn’t get to the light show yet. I didn’t book any breakfasts with Santa. Nothing is wrapped. I didn’t contribute to the school Christmas party. I could go on and on.

This time of year can be very confusing and very difficult. I find myself setting expectations and then being disappointed by reality. I enjoy a good Hallmark movie every now and then but it also sets me up for feeling like something is missing from the season. I will not be attending a holiday party in a glittery dress, with heels and mistletoe. I missed my work party because I was cooking pancakes with 47 third graders learning about states of matter. I left with a ten pound bag of flour, a fleece vest covered in batter, and a strong desire to nap. Not very Hallmarky.

We went to Frankenmuth the other weekend and it was great. We went to Bronner’s (the largest Christmas store), shopped, ate dinner. Very Christmassy, but definitely not the stuff of Hallmark. Bronner’s was so packed that we had to have family buddies so as not to lose a child. The restaurant was so full that we had to eat in the basement in a room they threw together for overflow and had a very limited menu. The shops were great but my children were annoyed with shopping after the second one and there were constant complaints and whining until we finished. We bribed them with cupcakes to get to stop at the outlet stores on the way home but even cupcakes didn’t stop the North Face outlet meltdown that required a 10 minute cuddle on the bench outside.

My point? Life is messy. It is filled with the good, the bad, the real. I don’t need to compare my life and my experience to television. Television is someone’s dream scenario, brought to life by hundreds of people (and dollars) behind the scenes (even reality t.v.). I may not have made it to my work Christmas party because of the pancake making lesson, but I got 47 hugs and was told by a fifth grader that I’m cool because I used pancakes to teach science.

I may not have gotten presents bought and wrapped before Thanksgiving but do you know what I did do? I stayed present to my family. I spent week nights helping my son learn to read. I created more space for my husband and I to connect, talk, and build up our relationship. I attended recovery meetings. I met up with friends. I met with a therapist and worked on healing the trauma of my past so I could heal, feel, move on and be present to my life and the people in it. I created hats. I put them up for sale. I painted. I created a logo for a business and sold it to them. I wrote and I shared my experience, strength and hope.

I helped my daughter reconnect with family members and supported her through that. I helped her process some of the realities of her life and past. I cried with her, laughed with her, and sat with her. I was fully present for her. I helped her celebrate choosing a college and start preparing for that part of her life. I took her to visit her college again so she could be sure.

I held down the fort while my husband worked hard and had a lot of business trips. I did laundry, cooked, cleaned, decorated for the holidays, took kids to football games, fed the dog, showered my children, etc. It is not romantic but this is the stuff of real life. It is what it takes to stay afloat everyday. It is the real magic of life.

So today I’m sitting on the couch with my dog curled up asleep next to me. I have a cup of coffee and a crackling fire going in the fire place. I’m writing my blog and it almost feels like the scene from a movie. Except that before I got to this spot on the couch I had to check in with my husband to make sure we are connected today before we go off on our separate paths, get two kids fed, clothed, medicated, and dropped off to school with a wrapped teacher gift, pick up a pile of dog poop from my dog who rang his bell to go out while I was outside gathering packages that had arrived for Christmas, and answer two texts from my high school daughter.

This is life. This is the reality. There is work to be done to have moments of calm. There are responsibilities to be met and people around you with needs. There is always something. I used to resent this so much. I used to think that there were people that lived differently. That didn’t have all this hard, real stuff to do all the time. But it isn’t true. I remember seeing an Instagram post of Gayle King’s showing a video of Oprah cleaning up dog poop from her bedroom floor-saying even Oprah has to clean up poop, and it made me so happy deep down inside. No one was having a Hallmark movie night at Bronner’s last weekend. We were all just doing our best not to lose it and stay cheerful. It is what it is.

So cheers to all the holiday warriors out there today who are trying their best to deal with the realities of life. To feel their feelings, to set their boundaries, to give to those they love but save something for themselves too. To those struggling to put gifts under the tree or just trying to find the time to wrap the ones you bought already. To those struggling to find a moment to breathe, let alone go to breakfast with Santa. It’s okay. You can let those expectations go.

Christmas is coming whether or not you are cheerful. Whether or not presents are bought or wrapped. Whether or not you had time to bake, and whether or not you get out your sparkly party dress or stay in your sweats all day and night. It will pass and it will be what it is. The next day will be about cleaning up, cooking, walking the dog, and yes, probably picking up something that you would rather not.

The real gift is to find contentment in the ordinary, in the truth, in the reality. I struggle this time of year with sadness, with loss, with trauma, with responsibility, with expectations, with spending money, with guilt. I can’t help the feelings I have. But what I can do is share them. I can look into someones eyes and say, this sucks and I’m upset. I need help and I need comfort. And if you have at least one person in your life that will accept that request for help and comfort, that will see you in your raw feelings and not leave you, you have a Hallmark movie already. You have love, connection, care, and safety. It is the only gift that will really satisfy you. It is the only gift that allows you to accept all that other crap, because you know you are not alone.

If you are thinking just now that you are alone and you do not have that support person in your life because they left you, or died, or are apart from you for some reason, do not despair. You do have the one person who is always with you no matter what, yourself. Mirrors can be sat in front of to find that pair of eyes that will take in your pain and requests for comfort. Arms can be wrapped around oneself, hands can be placed on hearts, and compassion and support given to ourselves. Blankets can warm, books can be friends, and paper can hold expression. I have learned this year that I can do all of these things for myself if I just take the time to be present to me.

I wish you all love, warmth, reality, acceptance, and a sense of humor about dog (or toddler) poop!

Carie