A Few Thoughts On Dating

I’m a 46 year old single woman. I had recently ended a two year long-distance relationship because it was not good for me. I wasn’t going to date. I was just going to be single. I would come home nightly and sit on the couch with my dogs and I was content. Until I wasn’t.

As I sat there night after night, I realized that I never really just dated much. I always had relationships and did not stay single long. I had my first serious boyfriend at 15 and the longest I was single (as in no relationship) was 3 yrs while I was divorcing my first husband (it took years for the divorce to be final). I did not date, I was alone but I was also working three part time jobs, going to college full time and I had a young child.

We need connection. I have struggled since the pandemic and my second divorce with connection. I found myself more distant from the groups and people that I had surrounded myself with before 2020. I met my last boyfriend online and we jumped into a relationship very shortly after meeting. It was long distance but we tried to see each other and talk as much as we could. It felt good not to be alone. Until it didn’t.

So I find myself single and wanting connection. I decided to go on FaceBook dating because you can see if the person is connected to people you know and it felt safer than other sites. Ya’ll it has been a journey. I had a few days off of work because I was sick and I made a bunch of connections on the site. I was typing and talking and I had like fifteen conversations going on. I was enjoying most of them and some were like pulling teeth but when I went back to work and did not have all day to be keeping up with messages, I realized I had over connected (see pic above).

I have ADHD and I can get very excited about something that is new and novel. I will pour all my effort into it and then when it loses it’s shine and becomes a lot of work, I am done with it. So here I am with all these people wanting my time and conversation and I don’t know how to choose who to focus on.

I decided to say yes to a few dates to see if I connected in person with anyone. My first date was after work one day. We met for a drink (I don’t drink) at a local restaurant. The man was nice, good looking, successful, and we had good conversation. He seemed surprised that I was funny and witty and attractive. I was home by 5:30 and counted it as a success. He sent me a text later that said it was a pleasure to meet me. That was nice. We were both busy for the weekend so we did not talk much.

Later the next week he starts texting me and it is a lot of celebrating job successes and talking about connecting with our daughters who are away at college. Then he asks me how I feel about sharing affection. I say that I love affection with the right person when I feel safe. From there he starts asking to see me again. We make a plan to cook a pizza together at another time. That sounded sweet and fun.

His texts start being erratic and sounded like he was forgetting things or just repeating the same thing over and over. He gets a little playful on the phone messages, and I’m not afraid to be playful so I responded. He then calls me, masturbates while on the phone and hangs up when he is done. No text after, no response to a wtf text, nothing. Then sends me something hours later asking if I want to have sex. I cannot explain how yucky that experience was. I’m a grown up and I can handle sexual situations but that was so weird. I think he thinks we have a date tonight even though I told his to go “F” himself because real me do not do things like that. I’m not even opposed to phone sex, if it is mutual and discussed but this was not what happened. I do not want to be seen as a body with no feelings, a blow up doll on the end of your phone line who takes whatever you do or say with no feelings. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

I had another date with a gentleman who is older than me by about 13 years. He sounded very sweet and was a gentleman on the phone. We met at a bar for dinner. We had connected on FaceBook as friends so I had low expectations for romance, I wasn’t expecting any. When we met, he was very talkative and funny. We sat for hours eating and talking. He was very open about his life and his children and marriage. He was in therapy and glad to hear I was also. We had a good time. We have kept in touch by text and I think he would be a great friend to have. I’m being honest with him that I am dating and not only talking to him. We have not met up again, I have been busy and also sick, but he asks to meet up and do normal things like take dogs for a walk. I don’t think I am attracted to him but he has the qualities I would hope for in a man I was attracted to.

The last date I went on was me in the picture at the beginning of the blog post. I met up with a guy that I had connected with from another town near mine. He drove here to take me to dinner. The whole date was a comedy of errors. He got lost and his phone died. The restaurant we planned to eat at had over an hour wait. We ended up eating somewhere neither of us really wanted because we were hungry. He had not planned anything after dinner and I didn’t know what to do either. During dinner he told me that he dropped out of school but was a laborer. He asked me if I liked phone games or gambling and I do not. We were like perfect opposites. I have a master’s degree in education and he hated school, ran the streets. I asked about his friends and he told me they were criminals. I laughed at first but he wasn’t kidding. The red flags were flying but I was more attracted to him as the night went on (see pic above). We ended up kissing for a bit and I had to tell whatever part of me that was attracted to this man, that we had to stop and go home. I cried on the way home because this man was so not meeting the list of qualities I would like in a partner but here I was totally attracted and drawn to him. We have texted a few times since but I know that I should not see him again.

In the meantime, I have had a man call me a player and block me because I told him that I was dating several people at one time (isn’t that what dating is??). I have had men text me like crazy for one day like I’m the most important person in the world to them, and then disappear the next day with no follow up ever. I have been asked for money many times. I have had people not be who they say they are and get caught in the lie. I have met men who just want me to come to their house and cuddle with them (they don’t even know me) and women who want me be friends with them and think about if I’m really attracted to men or if I might want to hook up with them instead.

This is exhausting. I don’t think it is supposed to be like this. I have been out there for less than a month. I cannot keep adding to my collective trauma by letting these strangers into my life, even just a little bit, and having them dump all their weird shit at my feet. I want connection. I want fun. I want to know if this is normal or if dating in middle age is just a shit show for everyone. I want off the bus and I just got on, but if I get off the bus I won’t meet anyone.

I’m keeping a list of qualities I am looking for in a partner. I am writing down lessons I’m learning. I’m trying to keep my heart open and my mind open in spite of having every reason to close up shop at the moment. I find myself thinking about it logically and I cannot understand why I even want to date men. I have had a 0% success rate at having a long term relationship that met my needs and was good and healthy for both people. I think about my history in interacting with men and I have to be honest, it has not been positive. I have been hurt, traumatized, abused, deceived, used, and taken advantage of by so many men in my life, not all men, but the majority. If I had that kind of record with say cats, I would not get another cat. I would just live a cat free life.

My question to myself that I need to get curious about and find the answer to is why? Why do I want a relationship with a man? What am I willing to put myself through to get it? Is it worth it?

If you are in the forty-something dating pool and have any advise, I’ll take it. Please know that you have my deepest empathy for the journey you are on. If you are happily married, tell me why it is worth it? If you are happily single and have no desire for a partner, tell me how you arrived there. I’d love to hear how it is going out there for everyone in middle age, not just the singles. Is anyone having the time of their life?

Is This My Hallmark Movie?

Why reality is so much better than the fantasy.

This can be a time of year when I find myself comparing, judging, berating, questioning, and longing, mostly to myself about myself. I didn’t start my shopping early enough. I forgot to go buy an ugly Christmas sweater that fits me (I grew out of last years-another reason for despair). I didn’t get to the light show yet. I didn’t book any breakfasts with Santa. Nothing is wrapped. I didn’t contribute to the school Christmas party. I could go on and on.

This time of year can be very confusing and very difficult. I find myself setting expectations and then being disappointed by reality. I enjoy a good Hallmark movie every now and then but it also sets me up for feeling like something is missing from the season. I will not be attending a holiday party in a glittery dress, with heels and mistletoe. I missed my work party because I was cooking pancakes with 47 third graders learning about states of matter. I left with a ten pound bag of flour, a fleece vest covered in batter, and a strong desire to nap. Not very Hallmarky.

We went to Frankenmuth the other weekend and it was great. We went to Bronner’s (the largest Christmas store), shopped, ate dinner. Very Christmassy, but definitely not the stuff of Hallmark. Bronner’s was so packed that we had to have family buddies so as not to lose a child. The restaurant was so full that we had to eat in the basement in a room they threw together for overflow and had a very limited menu. The shops were great but my children were annoyed with shopping after the second one and there were constant complaints and whining until we finished. We bribed them with cupcakes to get to stop at the outlet stores on the way home but even cupcakes didn’t stop the North Face outlet meltdown that required a 10 minute cuddle on the bench outside.

My point? Life is messy. It is filled with the good, the bad, the real. I don’t need to compare my life and my experience to television. Television is someone’s dream scenario, brought to life by hundreds of people (and dollars) behind the scenes (even reality t.v.). I may not have made it to my work Christmas party because of the pancake making lesson, but I got 47 hugs and was told by a fifth grader that I’m cool because I used pancakes to teach science.

I may not have gotten presents bought and wrapped before Thanksgiving but do you know what I did do? I stayed present to my family. I spent week nights helping my son learn to read. I created more space for my husband and I to connect, talk, and build up our relationship. I attended recovery meetings. I met up with friends. I met with a therapist and worked on healing the trauma of my past so I could heal, feel, move on and be present to my life and the people in it. I created hats. I put them up for sale. I painted. I created a logo for a business and sold it to them. I wrote and I shared my experience, strength and hope.

I helped my daughter reconnect with family members and supported her through that. I helped her process some of the realities of her life and past. I cried with her, laughed with her, and sat with her. I was fully present for her. I helped her celebrate choosing a college and start preparing for that part of her life. I took her to visit her college again so she could be sure.

I held down the fort while my husband worked hard and had a lot of business trips. I did laundry, cooked, cleaned, decorated for the holidays, took kids to football games, fed the dog, showered my children, etc. It is not romantic but this is the stuff of real life. It is what it takes to stay afloat everyday. It is the real magic of life.

So today I’m sitting on the couch with my dog curled up asleep next to me. I have a cup of coffee and a crackling fire going in the fire place. I’m writing my blog and it almost feels like the scene from a movie. Except that before I got to this spot on the couch I had to check in with my husband to make sure we are connected today before we go off on our separate paths, get two kids fed, clothed, medicated, and dropped off to school with a wrapped teacher gift, pick up a pile of dog poop from my dog who rang his bell to go out while I was outside gathering packages that had arrived for Christmas, and answer two texts from my high school daughter.

This is life. This is the reality. There is work to be done to have moments of calm. There are responsibilities to be met and people around you with needs. There is always something. I used to resent this so much. I used to think that there were people that lived differently. That didn’t have all this hard, real stuff to do all the time. But it isn’t true. I remember seeing an Instagram post of Gayle King’s showing a video of Oprah cleaning up dog poop from her bedroom floor-saying even Oprah has to clean up poop, and it made me so happy deep down inside. No one was having a Hallmark movie night at Bronner’s last weekend. We were all just doing our best not to lose it and stay cheerful. It is what it is.

So cheers to all the holiday warriors out there today who are trying their best to deal with the realities of life. To feel their feelings, to set their boundaries, to give to those they love but save something for themselves too. To those struggling to put gifts under the tree or just trying to find the time to wrap the ones you bought already. To those struggling to find a moment to breathe, let alone go to breakfast with Santa. It’s okay. You can let those expectations go.

Christmas is coming whether or not you are cheerful. Whether or not presents are bought or wrapped. Whether or not you had time to bake, and whether or not you get out your sparkly party dress or stay in your sweats all day and night. It will pass and it will be what it is. The next day will be about cleaning up, cooking, walking the dog, and yes, probably picking up something that you would rather not.

The real gift is to find contentment in the ordinary, in the truth, in the reality. I struggle this time of year with sadness, with loss, with trauma, with responsibility, with expectations, with spending money, with guilt. I can’t help the feelings I have. But what I can do is share them. I can look into someones eyes and say, this sucks and I’m upset. I need help and I need comfort. And if you have at least one person in your life that will accept that request for help and comfort, that will see you in your raw feelings and not leave you, you have a Hallmark movie already. You have love, connection, care, and safety. It is the only gift that will really satisfy you. It is the only gift that allows you to accept all that other crap, because you know you are not alone.

If you are thinking just now that you are alone and you do not have that support person in your life because they left you, or died, or are apart from you for some reason, do not despair. You do have the one person who is always with you no matter what, yourself. Mirrors can be sat in front of to find that pair of eyes that will take in your pain and requests for comfort. Arms can be wrapped around oneself, hands can be placed on hearts, and compassion and support given to ourselves. Blankets can warm, books can be friends, and paper can hold expression. I have learned this year that I can do all of these things for myself if I just take the time to be present to me.

I wish you all love, warmth, reality, acceptance, and a sense of humor about dog (or toddler) poop!

Carie