I’ve been hearing the term functional freeze in videos a lot lately so I decided to look it up. Something about the phrase sounded all too familiar to me. Being functionally frozen is kind of like being a functioning alcoholic. You get up, go to work, take care of business, cook, clean, be the soccer mom, but psychologically you are frozen. Since the school year ended for me, I have been in a weird space. I have been sitting in front of the television for hours, even on a sunny day. I have been avoiding household chores or only doing them when I could no longer but it off. I have avoided getting together with people unless I had made prior commitments. I was staying up late, sleeping in late, and not knowing what to do with myself.
These can be some of the ways to tell if you are in a frozen state. You have a hard time getting tasks done, being social or taking good physical care of yourself. Your thoughts may be racing but you don’t know why-like you have a million things to do and worry about but you don’t actually do anything.
All I had wanted to do when school was done was plant flowers for my porch, back deck, and garden. It has taken me two full weeks to even buy the flowers. I’ve planted half of them but I am not done. I have not turned on my sprinklers and have only cut my grass once. I just couldn’t do it. I had written out plans for what to buy. I had beautiful gardens and decks pinned on my Pinterest boards. Every time I drove by a green house or garden center, I made myself feel terrible for not getting my flowers yet. I’m thawing.
Why was I frozen though? I want to blame it on the school year and there would be some truth to that. It had been a rough year for me. I struggled with feeling alone and with being unsure of myself. End of the year activity is always frenzied and my personal life was not any better.
My own children had so many things going on. Between the three of them they had 4 vacations in two months. Sports were ending and tryouts for next year were happening. My oldest is moving into the full time working world in the fall and moving where she lives. I am cat sitting my grandcat. My brother was in town for a few weeks with his family and on top of all that I met a nice guy that I like to hang out with.
Everything is well, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t overwhelming. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed but have no choice but to work, cart children off to sports and airports, take care of pets, and meet obligations, I find that I freeze in the only way that no one will know…psychologically.
I realized this last Monday when I finished a day of running around Mackinaw Island with my family (minus all of my children) and had the evening to myself. I had a hotel room in the city and my travel partners had put there kids to bed early and were in for the night. My foot hurt from walking so I walked down to Lake Huron and plopped a chair in the water to soak my feet. It was the first time I had sat outside at dusk, feet in the water, without the distraction of a television or phone. I was so anxious. I could not relax. I was thinking of everything except the present moment. I was listening to other people’s conversations. I was looking at the rocks anxiously trying to find a special one that I didn’t already have. I was nervously watching the waves hoping they didn’t get too hight and get my pants all wet. I had a perfect Michigan sunset on the water and I was missing it.
So when I got home, I set some boundaries around my time and energy. I remembered what I had wanted this summer to be for me, a journey to healthy and to getting to know me better. It was to be my summer of finding and building my community. I hadn’t done any of that. Well I did with my family and I did meet a new person but I had not been healthy in my boundaries. I was staying up late, being distracted by text conversations, and not taking care of me.
On Sunday I sat down and made myself a little routine for my days. I planned the day in two hour increments centered around self care, being productive, and having fun. Today was my first day and I’m feeling the effects already. I woke up at 6 a.m. and had my coffee, read, journaled and meditated. I’ve started planning my curriculum for next year. I ate breakfast and lunch. I got the rest of the things I need to finish planting and setting up an outdoor space. I did somatic yoga, am resetting my chakras, and being creative (taking time to write this). I have already drank a liter of water and feel my body releasing and thawing. I’m using my back massager and allowing myself to feel and express whatever comes up for me.
When I release that anxiety, fear, and upset, I realize that I am so exhausted. My body feels as if it has been through a haunted house without the fun. I have 30 minutes left in my chakra balancing but I may fall asleep, and that is okay. I’m glad to be thawing. Glad to be healing. I hope that I continue to come into the present moment and begin to take good care of me. I hope that I can pay attention to the present moment. I hope that my adrenal glands calm down. I hope I can continue to thaw and that I can enter more and more wholeheartedly into my life. Freezing is a trauma response and therefore I accept it for what it is. I will not fight it but accept it and work with it.
