Normally I live in a space of “but” and I’m learning to accept the “and”.
I have been unable to fathom getting on my computer to write a blog. Every time I would think about it I just told myself “but everything is so heavy right now, I can’t do it justice” and I would stop. I have been mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I had nothing to offer and felt insignificant in this moment.
The path of healing I am on has lead me to some amazing teachers and helpers. I have had several counselors, spiritual guides, mentors, and therapists through the years. Last year I had to say good bye to a spiritual guide that had helped me heal because that person became unsafe for me. That person was on a journey that I could no longer follow. It hurt to say goodbye but I had to.
I now have a woman therapist that is helping me continue on the healing and growing journey. The best and most important thing she has taught me is to live in the “and”. The idea of the “and” is that two things that are opposite or that seem to be at odds, can both be true at the same time. An example you might be able to relate to would be loving a person deeply (like a friend, parent, or child) and wanting to be away from them.
This is a normal feeling but I come from the world of “buts”. In my mind if I love someone then it is not an acceptable feeling to want to be away from them. It had to be one or the other. Either I loved them, or I wanted to be away from them and that meant I didn’t love them. Both things could not be true. So if I said “I love you but I want to be away from you” then my love was canceled out. Living this way produces guilt and shame.
Learning to live in the space of “and” and letting two things be true at once allows me to see how hard life is sometimes and allows me a chance to give myself grace. I feel compassion for myself when I can see how hard it is to feel love and want space. I think I picked a great time to start learning about the “and” space because I am getting plenty of practice.
The corona virus has given me so many opportunities to feel these feelings. In the beginning I was terrified of going anywhere and glad to be home with my family. I could be social distancing and longing for touch and connection. Wearing a mask made me feel safer and caused me to have panic attacks. Homeschooling was fun and maddening. I was so grateful to have so much time alone with my family and I was sick of them. I went on a fun vacation and felt like I was endangering myself, my family, and every person I came into contact with. My life slowed down and got busier than ever.
Using the word “and” instead of “but” is a simple enough thing but the affect on my mental state has been profound. I do not feel pitted against myself (well I do, hence the therapist needed, but I am able to come around) and the shame and guilt do not last as long. The internal battle that I used to have that only one thing could be true was really just a trap to keep me from allowing myself the grace to be human. Some call it perfectionism, but in my case, I think it was just a reason to punish myself for being human. If I allowed myself to enjoy a vacation, I could quick come in and say “but you endangered so many people” and it would sap me of my joy and return me to the all too familiar place of shame and judgement. I’m not saying I like to live in shame and judgement, but some things are like and old sweater. There is comfort in their oldness, their familiar fit to you. I am comfortable in the space of shame and judgement, I’ve lived there my whole life. Accepting my full human emotional capabilities is a new sweater, I don’t mind it, but it is not broken in and familiar like the old.
As I look at the world today, I am given so many areas in which I can practice my “and”. I can love the summer weather and be so sad and depressed that I don’t want to get out of bed to enjoy it. I can be so grateful that my city is taking steps to keep us safe from corona virus and miss the community pool so much that I want to stomp my feet and climb the fence when I walk by it. I can understand that social distancing can keep me and my family safe and know that sometimes if you don’t hug a person in the exact moment that they need it most, you are hurting them too. I can understand that children learn best in person and in the classroom and that classroom instruction may endanger their health and mine. I can want my college age daughter to return to her campus in the fall to live the full college experience and want her to stay here with me forever.
I can refuse to eat at a restaurant and march in the streets with thousands of others for Black Lives. This one was hard for me. I had been so careful to social distance and the stay in my family bubble. I would only order take out and cook at home because that is what felt safest. Then police killed George Floyd and when I watched that video and heard him cry for his life and call out for his mother, I knew that I had to be out there. I knew that I had to break my safe bubble to protect and stand for those that do not ever get a safe bubble like me. I social distanced at the march and I wore my mask and I walked alongside thousands of others standing up for human rights. In the past, I would be living in the shame of wanting to keep my family safe and healthy and breaking quarantine to march. New me is living in the space of grace. I can do both. There doesn’t have to be shame.
When I give myself permission to live in the “and” I get to experience the fullness of being a wonderful, complicated, flawed human being. I give myself the grace of being able to contradict myself. I allow myself to feel two things that are opposites and know that both can be true without shame and judgement and without one cancelling out the other. The side benefit of living in the “and” is that you start to see other people as complicated and contradictory too and you are able to extend the grace to them. You can see that one thing doesn’t cancel out the other and that people can be many things. This place makes it very difficult to judge others and allows understanding and compassion to grow.
I challenge you to replace some “buts” with some “ands” and see how that feels. I know it will feel weird at first but try it on anyway and see if you enjoy to benefit of being fully human, full of grace, and void of shame and judgement (if it pops up, tell it it can stay “and” that it can’t cancel out the grace).
