Giving Joyfully

If not given in joy, is it even a gift?

I have spent many years in sessions and in recovery trying to find my inner child, trying to heal from past trauma, and trying to grow up. I have read books, listened to tapes, been in therapy, gone to meetings, and done a whole lot of journaling searching for her. I knew a lot of things in my head but they were not translating to my body and to my heart.

Recently, in sessions with a coach, I have been catching glimpses of my inner child. It sounds so silly to talk about myself like I am two different people, but it is true, I am. You are too. There is the part of you that you show the world (or you think you do) that is grown up. Grown ups get stuff done, they compromise, they are responsible, they take care of things, and they handle grown up stuff. I’m sure you all relate to that.

Your inner child is the part of you that resents those responsibilities, doesn’t want to do stuff, gets scared, wants her way, and pouts when she doesn’t. She might convince you to eat that whole bag of chips and stay up until 2 a.m. watching Hoarders not thinking about the fact that you have to get up for work the next day and fit into your work pants. She might convince you that you are always the victim and that people are so very mean and unfair all the time. She is a child, this is how she thinks (I’m speaking of my inner child here, but I’m sure yours is equally pouty and selfish).

My inner child is a stinker. That is how I thought of her. She was here to frustrate me and to distract me from sleep and convince me to do things that I would have to pay for later. She seemed hell bent on complicating my life and hurting my relationships. But I was supposed to find her, to love her, to heal her. So I would give in and stay up late, slack on responsibility, eat the ice cream, and not do the work. I would let her be mad and pout and throw fits. I was supposed to pay attention to her, right? I would give to her resentfully. I would give to her limitlessly. I would give to her without joy, but with reluctance and obligation.

If you are a parent or have ever been around children you know that they can see through you in an instant. They know when they are being appeased, they know when they are being lied to, and they know when you are telling them one thing but doing another. In other words, they see the truth and point it out to you. Have you ever heard a child call to their parents and say “watch me, watch me!” and the parent glances up for a second and then back at their phone? Children will not stand for this half attention. They will come and pester until they have your full attention. You cannot fool them with your half glance.

This is the dance my inner child and I have been doing for the last 16 years. I go around adulting all the time, looking important, acting busy, and getting stuff done. She yells “look at me, look at me!” and I glance up and then back at my important adulting. She knows I’m not really all there so she throws a fit. I am tired from adulting so I give in and hand control over to her. We end up on the couch at 2 a.m. watching crap television, eating junk food, neglecting relationships and responsibilities and running wild. I wake up the next day for my adulting and am angry that my inner child ran wild and free last night (my gift to her) and now I want to punish her, or ignore her, or just be resentful of her.

It is not working. It is like me giving my children the game “Hungry Hungry Hippos” because they want it and I want them to have it so they will be happy, but every time they play it I curse the game making gods for making such a loud and obnoxious toy that disturbs me to my soul and walk around with a chip on my shoulder and a curse on my lips every time they play it. This will end badly for all. It was not a gift joyfully given.

If you haven’t realized by know, I’ve been in a lot of turmoil. I couldn’t figure out how to do what I knew I should be doing, loving my inner child, loving the part of me that pouts and is loud, and makes less than responsible choices, and that needs and wants things from me, that I cannot figure out how to give without resentment. So I’ve been asking for help.

The help comes in the form of a coach/therapist that I see twice a week. We do a lot of getting quiet. Listening. Feeling. Making it safe for my inner child to show up and let me know and feel her. If you have never done any of this work, or seen a coach or therapist, this may sound a little ridiculous or cheesy. The best way that I can explain it is like when you are out in nature and you want to see wildlife. Maybe a bird or a deer or a chipmunk. You cannot just burst into the woods and demand that nature show up for you. You have to sit, get quiet, create space, become safe to the animals before they will show up and allow themselves to be in your presence. I have to create a safe, calm space where my inner child can emerge and do her thing, while I watch and observe.

The more quiet and calm and safe I got, the more she showed me. What I learned is that she is deeply, deeply hurt. She is lonely beyond belief, and she feels the burden of adult responsibilities and trauma like a yoke around her neck. She wants to be held and comforted but doesn’t trust anyone to do it. She knows too well that it will be seen as weakness and used against her, probably by me. It took great energy to sit in these feelings without justifying my behaviors, without judging myself, and without trying to tell her it couldn’t be as bad as she thinks. We do this to children. We don’t want to witness their pain, especially if it comes from us, so we minimize their feelings. I didn’t want to face her and her pain, but with help, I did.

The longer I could sit and not judge or minimize or punish her for having her feelings and her pain, the more she trusted me and came forward. I started to get a picture of who she was and I really liked her. In fact I loved her. She was wild, honest, funny, stubborn, feisty, and loving. I started to see her as someone I needed to honor and protect, not repress or let run wild with no adult supervision. I started wanting other people to meet her, so I would allow her to be seen in protected, safe spaces with people I trusted with her. Sometimes it didn’t work out so well and I had to decide how I was going to protect her and not allow my frustration at not being seen or accepted to push her down or deny her. Just like parenting, it has been joyfully exhausting.

Enter the kitten.

We were camping at a friend’s property and there was an abandoned barn kitten. This was a tiny kitten that would not make it on her own if left. My inner child screamed at me to take it home. I ignored her. I told her that there were allergies in the house, it was horrible timing, people might get mad at the intrusion and inconvenience. I left without the kitten. I broke my inner child’s heart.

I went home and did some real work at sensing my inner child, and my inner critical parent. The critical parent in me judged my inner child as silly and selfish for wanting that kitten. Didn’t she know that our husband was allergic, we had a dog who had never been around cats but chased anything that moved in the yard, we had a graduation party to put on and no time for feeding a sick baby kitten? I had to squash the idea. I had to break her heart. How could I be so inconvenienced by her?

Then while sitting with her, I decided to put aside all my judgments and all my excuses and just listen to her heart. She needed me to prove to her that I could give to her in a joyful way just because she was worth it. She NEEDED that from me, because I had never demonstrated that to her before. I had given to her, yes, resentfully, full of judgement and punishment after the fact. She needed to be listened to. Her heart full of love and compassion needed to be seen, validated, and supported in a loving, joyful way.

I expressed this to my husband and we agreed that I would go get the kitten and give her a chance at life. I picked her up on a rainy night just before the busiest week of my life. My adult responsibilities were to wrap up my work for the school year, bake for end of year parties for my children, finish all work to put on a graduation party, finish the soccer season and baseball season and track season for my own children, host out of town guests, attend my therapy sessions, etc. How could I give this to her? It was ridiculous.

Pursuing someone’s heart makes you do ridiculous things. And you don’t care that they are ridiculous. You just want to show that person that you love them so much that you would do ANYTHING for them. It doesn’t matter if it is ridiculous, or convenient, really difficult, you do it. You do it joyfully and with great enthusiasm. I wanted to give my inner child something she had never had, a big giant sign of love with no strings attached. No punishment or payment to be collected later. Not this time. This gift was free, given out of pure love.

I had to decide (adult me) to NEVER burden my inner child with my hardships over this decision. Was I tired at 1 a.m. when I was feeding the kitten, you betcha. Was I stressed trying to figure out how I was going to fit in the feedings and snuggles every three hours when I had to be at work and soccer and baseball, you betcha. Was I annoyed and frustrated when others were judgmental and vocal about my decision to take in the cat, 100%. But I handled it. I did not once take my frustrations out on my inner child. I remembered my commitment to give her this experience of rescuing a baby kitten and nursing it to health with great joy and no punishment.

I allowed her, and still allow her to fully enjoy every moment she has with this darling kitten. The wonder at every movement and milestone, to celebrate each new thing. I allow her to fall asleep when she snuggles with her kitten, and I allow her to play. I close her ears to the judgement of others and remind her that I am fully on board and am enjoying her delight every minute of the day. She trusts me too much now for me to destroy it. I could not be happier than when I am allowing her to come forth without fear and love on that kitten.

The result has been that my own children are able to come forth and love this kitten (and of course our dog Beans too) with great joy and wholeheartedness. The giggles and squeals abound and our home is joyful like it has not been in a while. We are unapologetically in love with this kitten. We are open heartedly loving her with everything we have, even knowing that we cannot keep her forever. We are not holding back and it is beautiful.

There are some things that you cannot learn unless you do them. I’m so glad I decided to stop trying to learn about my inner child and just decided to meet her and love her and give to her, in a real way, what she has always needed from me. She has needed action, protection, love and appreciation. She has needed me to see her big, wild, beautiful heart and to let her express it while I protect her from judgement.

There was no way to learn this without jumping in and doing it. It has been difficult to keep my judgmental, fearful, and wounded self in check so that I do not bring my adult problems to my inner child. But with help, I have done it. And I think my life just changed 100% for the better because of it.

This little kitten was a gift, given joyfully from God (or the Universe) to me. I have taken it and given it joyfully to my inner child and in return, the experience has joyfully blessed my home. Our hearts may break when it is time for her to leave us, but it is only because they are so beautifully open to our love for her right now. It is the only way to love and give, joyfully with an open heart.

Joy to you my friends. May you have the courage to love something completely without holding back.

This is Smokey. I had to take her everywhere with me in the beginning. She was in my car and I looked over and she had her face up in the sun like this. My heart melted knowing I had given her that gift and in return, I felt the sun shining down on my face too, and giggled at the pure joy and warmth of it.

Darkness and Confusion

Embracing the darkness and confusion in my life is hard but I’m doing it.

The hard truth is that life can be dark and very confusing. I always thought I had to stay positive, keep my chin up, and make it better. Well that is exhausting and it doesn’t work. So I’m learning to embrace the darkness, the uncertainty, and the confusion. The road to this space has been long and it is still a work in progress but it is good.

We are taught early on that the dark is scary. I remember being so afraid of our basement, closets, and attic space as a child because they were dark. I would avoid them, especially at night and was afraid to go in them alone. I really thought something in there was going to get me.

I spend so much of my adult life avoiding the dark as well. I didn’t want to face my problems, look at my own faults, investigate or sit with the ugly and uncomfortable parts of my life. Nope, I was just going to fix it all and make it positive and light. I was willing to do anything necessary to force myself and others to be bright, cheerful, light, and positive. If it was dark, it was my enemy. I was always fighting.

I didn’t know it at the time, but the reason I was so afraid of the dark was because I didn’t trust. I didn’t trust that other people could be good even in the dark. I didn’t trust that I would be as protected in the dark as I thought I was in the light. And most of all, I didn’t trust my own strength to protect and guide myself through the darkness and confusion. I lived in white knuckle fear of anything that didn’t feel good and safe.

I can honestly say that I have been dragged kicking and screaming through intense darkness and confusion, and darn it all if I didn’t live. It is really hard to keep a belief going when you have mounting evidence to the contrary. I had not in fact died when I traveled through the darkest times in my life. I even discovered a strength and a beauty in that darkness that I never would have found had my life been all light and clear.

An example of this is living through a marriage to an addict. It was so dark, so confusing, and so character building. I made so many mistakes just trying to keep the darkness at bay. I enabled, I was mean, I slammed doors, I had zero compassion, and I betrayed myself. I accepted unacceptable behavior because I thought it would keep away the darkness, I didn’t know it was the darkness. Betraying myself was my darkest experience.

In that experience I learned that the only way out of the darkness and confusion is through it. As I traveled, I gathered a support system in the Al-Anon program. I gathered a strength I didn’t know I had. You know what, that isn’t true. I knew I was strong but I didn’t know I had the right to act out my strength to protect myself. I learned from strong women how to set up boundaries and to enforce them in service of myself. I learned I was worth protecting.

The darkness was where I found a Higher Power . I always believed in God, but I thought God lived in the light and that if I was in the dark, it was my own fault, like I had betrayed God or something. When I was in the dark, I reached out, not even knowing what God meant to me, but knowing that I could’t do it by myself. In those early dark days, I could not relate to the God I grew up with in the church. God couldn’t be a male for me then, I couldn’t trust men at that point in my life. So God to me in those early days was the sunset, the birds singing, the seasons changing. I went to nature to find God because it was the only thing I trusted.

That God was so good to me. Slowly leading me out of dark spaces, letting some light into my life. Lifting the confusion and giving me moments of clarity and direction. I imagined wrapping up my baby girl in a blanket of love and protection every time she wasn’t physically with me and praying that she be returned to me safely, and she always was. The evidence was mounting that this protection could be trusted.

In those dark and confusing times, we also had so much beauty. There was a rawness and a realness to our days that brought strength and love forward. I knew I was being led and protected. I knew I was also leading and protecting. When you are struggling and people reach out to help you, you see the best in people. You see community and you see compassion. And in suffering you realize that we are all in the darkness at different times and sometimes you help and sometimes you ask for help. It is our humanity.

I have been feeling a darkness and a confusion lately. There is darkness visiting me and people that I love. I have confusion and I have fear. There are times that I think it is too much for us all to handle and I want to just be transported to the light. But then I remember that nature has dark and light and they are about equal. It cannot be light all of the time. Darkness has to have its time and it doesn’t have to be bad.

I now know that I can trust myself in the darkness. That I will protect myself there and that I am guided and loved by a God that has my back even in the darkness, maybe even more so there. I no longer feel alone in the darkness, in fact I know that some of you are there too and that we will find the light again. And when we get to the light we will be changed because we have been in the dark. We will see the light differently. We will be stronger because we have traveled through darkness and confusion.

I know from experience that lessons are learned in the darkness. Boundaries set, strength found and often more will be revealed that will take us toward clarity and light. I have to go through a lot of anger, rage, sadness, upset, and sometimes depression in the dark. I’m not wrong or bad for feeling any of those things. I might feel differently as the journey goes on and more is revealed but I will not shame myself for how I feel in the dark.

Today I’m releasing some of my darkness onto this page, along with some of my light. I can be both. So can you. I used to hope I could out run the darkness and enter a phase of life that was only light. That was a fantasy and there is no out running darkness. Today I can embrace the dark knowing that it comes to mold me, shape me, teach me. I can enter it protected by a Higher Power who has a view of the bigger picture and never leaves me alone in the dark. Some times I’m in the dark because I need to rest. I can trust that darkness is visiting me and that the light will come too. And that there will be this dance of dark and light for the rest of my life, and it will be good.